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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I really do not know what happened

It's just not there, the drive, the motivation, none of it is there anymore.  Probably because of what this blog did to my life.  Instead of helping me find friends and connect with people, doing this blog caused me to end up even more isolated than I was before. 

I don't even know how to describe what happened in 2010, but as a result of the phone calls I was getting and stories I was being told, I ended up certain that SNAP is counter intelligence created to keep survivors from interacting with each other and comparing notes.   

But instead of just keeping what I found to myself, I felt this need to tell the world what I had found out.  So I did, beginning in Feb. 2010.  And got cut off from everything.  I don't even get SNAP press releases anymore.  The local support groups leaders usually don't call me back.  Most survivors won’t talk to me anymore. 

Plus as a result of that series of incidents, I now don't trust anybody.  I don't know who was behind the trick played on me, or even if it was a trick.  I don't know if what people were telling me was true, or some planned project to beat me down. 

But it did beat me down.  I don't need anything more than a support organization right now and I'm blacklisted. 

So now and then I get one of the nudges that drove City of Angels Blog from January 2007 to about mid-2010.  I sit down to write the story based on the nudge, and the energy just isn't there. 

They succeeded.  Whoever they are, whatever they did, and it's hard for me to sort it out still, they got me to stop.  And got me marginalized and isolated from everyone. 

So I'm in this muddle.  I can’t talk to “civilians” about how the crime spree in the church affected my life, as civilians just don't get it.  Most other victims won’t talk to me.  I can’t go to a local SNAP support group or even, as there is in Chicago, a support group for survivors that is not run by SNAP, because they inform me they don't want me there. 

Yes.  They tell me they don't want me there. 

So I’m out here on my own, with no one to talk to.  And I just don't trust anyone anymore myself.  They don't trust me, I don't trust them and that, people, is the state of support for this pedophile priest survivor, and probably others around the USA, but we have no way of finding each other.  I don't know how others are doing as I've been cut off, but I know for me, there is no support, there never was any support, but once I wrote in a blog that there never was any support, then they made sure that there was definitely no support for me. 

So I try to start something on Facebook and the same angry voices, people who are mad all the time, chime in and take over and destroy it.  Just like what happened at the SNAP message board, just like what happened to my blog- because that's what happened in 2010, people so angry calling up and shouting at me about what SNAP did to them- and now I don't even know if those people were real…  then it happened again with a Facebook group I started.  As soon as I opened the group, these angry people started shouting at each other and those arguments dominated the group.  No one else could get a word in edgewise. 

Wish I could just be happy doing nothing.  Why can't I just enjoy the sunshine and swimming in lakes and let the bishops do what they are going to do? 

But I can't. 

So I sit here wondering what to do next....


-Kay Ebeling

PS: This post does not make sense.  i can see that now a few hours after posting it.  I'm a little nuts these days.  Truth is I've made a lot of friends who are survivors through Facebook and several have stayed with me through the weirdness with SNAP.  I just get so down sometimes...

CLARIFICATION 2:  In response to Shoebyte: 
The reason I say this post makes no sense now: 

In this post I say I have no support and can't find any other survivors, then I talk about all the survivors who are on Facebook that I communicate with.  That's how I meant it doesn't make sense.  And the SNAP stuff is still, to this day, very confusing for me... they are So Good at their public image, that now that I'm not doing research all the time and am just a member of the public, I'm starting to just see what SNAP puts out to the public, and they do make themselves look good, don't they.  The stuff I wrote about in 2010 was the stuff I saw from the perspective of working full time on this blog and interviewing dozens of survivors around the country.  It was the same stuff SNAP was trying to prevent me from seeing by trying to stop me from doing the blog at all.  For background, read City of Angels 2 at where I describe the whole shebang... 

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